The Goldfinch is a 2.5 Hour Lifetime Channel Film About Nothing (Blu-ray Review)

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The Goldfinch comes to DVD and Blu-ray December 3rd and is a presentation of Warner Bros. Pictures, in association with Amazon Studios, a Color Force Production, a John Crowley Film. Here is my review:

The last time 13-year-old Theo Decker (Oakes Fegley) saw his mother, she was gliding away from him into another gallery of the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Seconds later, a terrorist bomb exploded destroying priceless pieces of art…and shattering Theo’s life forever. The tragedy changes the course of his life, sending him on a stirring odyssey of grief and guilt, reinvention and redemption, friendship and even love.

Throughout the turbulent years, as he grows into adulthood, Theo (Ansel Elgort) secretly clings to a single, precious object—his one tangible connection to the mother he lost on that terrible day—a priceless painting of a tiny bird chained to its perch. The Goldfinch.


Review:

So apparently John Crowley hired acclaimed cinematographer Roger Deakins to shoot a 2.5 hour lifetime channel film about nothing? Why hire the man who shot Bladerunner 2049 to be the cinematographer on a film that is completely void of any emotion or more importantly had ZERO need to have groundbreaking camera work? Why, why why? So many questions, so many answers I truly don’t care about. The Goldfinch might be the most boring soulless drama of 2019 – a movie loaded with talented performers and crew but a story that simply doesn’t go anywhere. The Goldfinch explores a tragedy in which a young child’s mother is killed in some art gallery explosion (insert laughter here, it’s OK to laugh at an art gallery tragedy because you won’t feel any other emotions anyway). Afterwards Theo blames himself and we spend over two hours watching him slog through life at a snail’s pace moving from one depressing incident to the next with little to no motivation. Even Jeffrey Wright, who becomes a mentor of sorts to the young kid – he adds NOTHING. NOBODY ADDS ANYTHING TO ANY SCENE HERE.

Director John Crowley is mostly known for his theater work and so it would make sense that if anyone could tackle the adaptation of a beloved Pulitzer Prize winner, maybe it would have been him? Aside from that, the man worked on True Detective for HBO, so he can do other mediums, but directing a movie of this scope is definitely NOT one of them as it turns out. The Goldfinch is a hollow slog that never goes anywhere and it’s a shame because I wanted to like this movie but wound up hating it. I mean, you guys took Ansel ‘Baby’ Elgort and made him the most boring protagonist of the year. This is THE BABY DRIVER – HE’S NOT A BORING DUDE. Oh my god I hated this film. It didn’t even look that good either Deakins. Why did this happen?

Special Features:

  • The Goldfinch Unbound
  • The Real Goldfinch
  • Over 16 minutes of deleted scenes with commentary from Director John Crowley

Here’s an idea. Watch the couple making-of features instead of the movie. They’re better because they’re a fraction of The Goldfinch‘s runtime.

Rating: 0.5/5

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